# Husband wants parrot gone but he won't do it. Expects me to.



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

The situation is my husband came home and said right away I have to get rid of the parrot cos he's scaring the cats and muffins got a weak heart. The only reason the cats actors scared and ran (I didn't see it), was cos they associate my husband being angry around the bird and the bird was freaking out cos he was nervous.
After much discussion and me crying floods of tears which I still am, I told him he'd have to do it then. He'd have to phone up and be there when he goes today cos I cant do it and he wants him gone, not me. 
He won't do it. He won't do anything involving the bird at all, and if I dont do it he's just gonna spend all his time still in the spare room like he always does, cos the parrot squarks on his way past.
What do I do? My heart is breaking at the thought of ringing up and seeing him go, and even being in there another minute or another night listening to him saying cute words and watching him. Sweeping ip after him. 
I can't do it.


----------



## Zoo-Man (Apr 12, 2008)

If I lived closer, I'd come & take the poor parrot away!


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

If I knew my husband would follow through afterards with all his promises that he will feel better as he would be able to be in the room with me then etc etc then it would at the very least give me some comfort. But if I knew it wasn't the case I'd keep the parrot no questions.
I don't want him to go and cant bring myself to do it. 
The alternative is to have an angry husband that won't come out of the spare room and when he does gets more angry cos the parrot freaks out and he gets more nervous not seeing him that often. 
I thought once we find a new place and we didnt have all the other stress things would be better and the parrot would be used to my husband again. It didn't take long to build the trust back up before so the parrot was really happy and asked for smooths etc. I know it can be like that again.
But my husbands adamant he wont ever do anything with the parrot.
He sees it as just taking a problem with us if we move and take him, and that he will be worse being in a new place.

He knows what a big sacrifice it is for me to see him go and how much it upsets me, yet he wont sort it out or even comfort me.
Just says well youre not getting rid of him so there's nothing to sort out, shoves his headphones on and listens to music, ignoring me.

Seems to me and most probably you that I should keep the parrot anyway in that case, but I can't go on having a depressed husband who isolates himself in the other room acting like a teenager.


----------



## Zoo-Man (Apr 12, 2008)

Personally I think you SHOULD rehome the parrot, to someone who will give him what he needs. It isn't fair on the parrot to be isolated, confined, & confused.


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Ok, even tho I know of my husband continues this way afterwards then my heart will be broken even more knowing I could've kept him.

Any advice on how to be strong and do this? I definatly can't be in the flat when he goes and my husband won't be in the room either. I can't just let them come in and go without being there.
Any advice on how to deal with this cos it's tearing me apart. I'm giving up part of the family


----------



## martyb (Sep 5, 2007)

BlackRose said:


> Ok, even tho I know of my husband continues this way afterwards then my heart will be broken even more knowing I could've kept him.
> 
> Any advice on how to be strong and do this? I definatly can't be in the flat when he goes and my husband won't be in the room either. I can't just let them come in and go without being there.
> Any advice on how to deal with this cos it's tearing me apart. I'm giving up part of the family



For god sake woman get a bloody grip and do whats right for the poor bird, its not fair on the bird so do the decent thing and let the parrot be happy with someone who can look after it properly.


----------



## Shellsfeathers&fur (Jan 18, 2009)

As I've said before your husband needs some help urgently before anything else occurs in your household.

The parrot will have to be rehomed asap if he is being like this, but to where I wouldn't know. Hopefully, you will find a genuine responsible bird lover who can take him on and not someone out to "make a quick buck".

I wonder why you stay with him.................


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I am letting him go. What I mean is if I knew my husband wouknt change I'd keep him as it would be easier on him to stay and bond with me over a lomg time than it would be for someone else new for him to get used to. That's thinking of the bird. But then there's the issue of him being nervous around my husband and I'm sure wether thall ever change. So he has to go.
I was just asking how the best way to try and cope as its not easy at all. Doesn't mean I cant be upset. 
I'm never gonna see him again or hear him.


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I am contacting the breeder we got him from now. I'd rather him to there if possible.


----------



## Ron Magpie (Oct 11, 2009)

BlackRose said:


> I am contacting the breeder we got him from now. I'd rather him to there if possible.


That seems like the best option.

As Stephen says, though, there is obviously more going on here than just the parrot. Is there anyone you can talk to?


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Yea I know. 
We are both seeing a councillor and everything else. We are looking for a new place to get out of this area and away from these local people. 
My husband says he will able to concentrate on our future etc.
Only time will tell how this works out and if ive just given away a big part of my life for nothing.
He's gone now to the breeder. Such an empty space. So quiet. No little hellos when I come through the door or good morning or anything anymore.
Feel so empty now.


----------



## TheProfessor (Apr 19, 2011)

Ringing the breeder was a good idea, it seems like the best option for the bird, and am really glad you are trying your best for the bird! 
I know it is hard, but you are doing the best you can and you just have to think, that's it is best for your parrot, so you are looking after it still, even if you are going to miss it! 

You personally, I agree with Ron, this is more than the parrot and you yourself need to get some help! You need to talk to someone properly about this, and a good place is your doctor! Make an appointment and just sit and talk to them for a while and explain all these things and gain some impartial advise! 
You can't help your husband if you are ill and mentally down yourself! 

MartyB your comment was Excessively harsh, 'get a grip on yourself woman', clearly she is having a hard time and needs support, so grow up and except other people react and feel different to things, and show some support! (before you try a remark along the lines of this is how I feel and act, which is different to you, if you don't have a nice comment, don't make contribute)


----------



## Zoo-Man (Apr 12, 2008)

Wow, that was quick! The breeder must be very local!


----------



## Sarah-Jayne (Jul 4, 2007)

I know he has already gone back to the breeder, but did the breeder give you the option to get him back at some point if you are in the position to do so?

I do think you have done the right thing, an envrionment like that must be very upsetting for the bird as well as you.


----------



## martyb (Sep 5, 2007)

TheProfessor;9846012
MartyB your comment was Excessively harsh said:


> Whats harsh about telling her to get a grip for the sake of that poor bird.
> Its drama after drama with her so i wont grow up as i dont need to, and i shall say what i think.
> 
> Who made you the forum police, to tell me if i can contribute or not, i will contribute when and where i please if i think an animal is suffering.


----------



## Ron Magpie (Oct 11, 2009)

martyb said:


> Whats harsh about telling her to get a grip for the sake of that poor bird.
> Its drama after drama with her so i wont grow up as i dont need to, and i shall say what i think.
> 
> Who made you the forum police, to tell me if i can contribute or not, i will contribute when and where i please if i think an animal is suffering.


 Could cut the compassion with a hatchet...:whistling2:


----------



## martyb (Sep 5, 2007)

Ron Magpie said:


> Could cut the compassion with a hatchet...:whistling2:



No point beating around the bush, i mean her no malice but it needed to be said.


----------



## Parrot Lady (Jan 17, 2012)

Firstly, I would love to give you a big hug as I think you must be feeling pretty s**t right now, I know it must have been a very hard decision to make, although I do think at the moment that it is the right decision for the bird. I do hope that things improve for you and your partner, and that you both get the 'professional' help you need to move forward. Depression is a terrible illness and I wish you all the luck in the world.


----------



## _jake_ (Jul 3, 2008)

It sounds like you could do with seeing a Counsellor or Mental Health Nurse, by yourself and not just couple counselling. Contact your GP who can refer you onto an appropriate Charity or NHS service.


And as I know these things can take a age to actually see someone, in the mean time here is the number for domestic abuse, as to me it sounds like your husband is mentally abusing you.


*Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline:* 
Call 0808 8010 800

Hope you the best.


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thanks all. I will be making an appointment asap for myself.

They didn't give the option to have the bird back and tbh I dint think they would. I asked again and again if he would definatly be found a good home and they said yes. I rang this morning as they wanted me to tell them his name and I asked how he was getting on. They said he was very angry yesterday and not letting anyone near the cage but today apart from the odd squark he seemed better.
The breeder herself who works in the shop came in today to review him and see how much they can sell him for as he's not a baby and she didn't sound too happy on the phone. She said she doesn't know what trauma he's been through but he's not doing good at all and he won't let anyone near the cage. She says you'd think he was an aviary bird cos that's what their aviary birds are like. 
Is he really in better hands? At least here he was talking, gritting his beak and seemed happy. Calling us when we left the room so he saw us as his flock.
She said shed give him a day or two and then sort something out cos she doesmt know what she is going to do with him.
Maybe I should ask around and see if anyone will take him on so I know he's got a home and then they can go there.
I am very worried he will end up put down or something, especially if he's given to the rspcb or RSPCA. They put animals down all the time. No one wants an older bird or a really nervous bird.
If he does go to a new home it could take ages and then that's more stress and new people for him so he will be worse. 

I know it's out of my hands now but he is such a lovely bird and I feel so so guilty. It's all I csn think about now that he's so unhappy and it's unlikely he will get a new home.


----------



## Kiel (Aug 20, 2009)

Bin the hubby, keep the bird tbh.


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I love my husband, depressed or not and I love the bird. I know its out of my hands now but surely if I try to find someone with experience or something who can take him on at least I know he's got a home.
I'm really afraid they're gonna send him away or put him down. I mean they won't be able to leave him in the shop anyway with him not letting anyone near the cage without screaming when they snd customers go back and forth.


----------



## Parrot Lady (Jan 17, 2012)

What about Birdline, although I do not know anything about them, so cant comment on the organisation themselves. Maybe someone on here will know more.


----------



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Would I be able to that seeing as he's not with me anymore?

If I could find someone with experience I'm sure they wouldn't mind if they came in to get him.
I'm afraid to phone back again cos the way the breeder spoke to me was kinda like it was my fault and I tried my best. I only want the best for him. 
It'll also make it harder for me to let go, especially if I know he's still upset or they sent him away but I csnt not know and not do anything.


----------



## Zoo-Man (Apr 12, 2008)

There would have been many knowledgable understanding parrot people who would have taken on this bird, myself included if I lived closer.


----------



## Sarah-Jayne (Jul 4, 2007)

If I wasn't moving to a smaller place soon I would have come and got him too, but where we are moving to I am gonna struggle finding a place for Sam's cage


----------



## Ron Magpie (Oct 11, 2009)

BlackRose said:


> I love my husband, depressed or not and I love the bird. I know its out of my hands now but surely if I try to find someone with experience or something who can take him on at least I know he's got a home.
> I'm really afraid they're gonna send him away or put him down. I mean they won't be able to leave him in the shop anyway with him not letting anyone near the cage without screaming when they snd customers go back and forth.





BlackRose said:


> Would I be able to that seeing as he's not with me anymore?
> 
> If I could find someone with experience I'm sure they wouldn't mind if they came in to get him.
> I'm afraid to phone back again cos the way the breeder spoke to me was kinda like it was my fault and I tried my best. I only want the best for him.
> It'll also make it harder for me to let go, especially if I know he's still upset or they sent him away but I csnt not know and not do anything.


 Ok, reality check here, darlin: An African grey parrot is a valuable animal- *no-one* is going to put him down. They are also highly intelligent and *very* sensitive to mood and atmosphere; the situation in your home was obviously very bad for his mental health, which is why the breeder is (quite understandably) upset. They will rehome him, hopefully to a more stable situation, and in time he should recover, with a bit of TLC. So now, you need to stop focusing on the bird- your loss will be his gain, in the end- and concentrate on getting better yourselves, either together or separately. I feel for you, I really do, but until your situation is better, you're really not in a position to give a healthy home to _any_ bird.


----------



## Dubia82 (Jan 19, 2012)

Sarah-Jayne said:


> there is no need to be so rude, mental illnesses are a terrible thing to go through


 
I actually agree with both of you... mental illness is a bad thing to go through, but even worse to inflict on somebody else (then you can get more than just one 'ill' person)... most often, the person that can help best is the person who is ill. Frequently, people who are ill in this way don't act 'normal' and it takes a lot of commitment to help them; especially when they often don't really help themselves... the reason why they don't help themsleves is often part of the illness (guilt, frustration, confidence issues etc... turns into selfish, negative and moody etc).

BlackRose, hope you get things back on track... I feel for you and your husband... if you're trying to help him I hope he works with you and it doesn't feel like an unwinnable battle. It is doable, but not easy. I would start with making them accept they are ill and not acting normal for them, then I don't take excuses... 'llness' is not an excuse, just something else you have to overcome to succeed (within reason)... don't let illness win 

I know very little of parrots compared to people who have already responded, but it looks like you've certainly done the right thing for him.. I wouldn't like such an intelligent bird being around too much anxiety displays or depression.


----------

