# Taking over my husbands parrot



## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I have to take over looking after the African grey because of my husbands depression. He is not bonded to me so direct interaction is gojng to be quite difficult to say the least. 
Those gloves and protective clothing you get for training hawks etc...is that really effective against getting bitten? Where am I likely to get this equipment from and what price range?
ATM things are very hectic and I'd rather not get bitten or my fingers sliced off in the process, and he needs to come out etc.


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## Zoo-Man (Apr 12, 2008)

I wouldn't use gloves as they will only scare the parrot more. Try training him to step up onto a hand-held perch to get him in & out of his cage.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thanks. I don't know what to do. My husbands really depressed and antry latley. We are sorting out his new antidepressant and I think its just about the medication level at the moment. That aside, he says when he's really angry he doesnr want the parrot around anymore. I've taken him on board myself to stop him being rehomed, as I really don't think it's fair for him to be passed on from one family to another and possibly even another if he's being fostered or something. 
He's always been a nervous parrot since we had him as a baby, even though he was hand reared from our local breeder/parrot experts. 
Unknown to us not long after we had him my husband had an operation for kidney transplant and then due to complications he was in and out of hospital a lot so I was looking after the parrot myself. It took a long time to build the trust back up to let my husband smooth him and everything. 
He has always freaked out when you do his food or cover him. Even taking your dressing gown or something off in front of him. 
He got a lot better freaking out wise, though he still squarks and flaps down to the bottom of the cage. 
Of course it gets worse and much more frequent when my husbands so angry latley and he freaks out more cos my husband does stuff quickly and loudly as you can imagine being irritated and all. 
Then that winds my husband up then.

Everyones saying to me its best if we rehome the parrot, and I know it's not fair that he's being effected by a tense and angry environment and it's gonna make him more nervous etc. But despite what my husband says when he's angry I think once his mood levels out he will be able to deal with him again.
He was taking to him yesterday when he was calmer. I think its judt the freaking out and the squawking(calling) for soneone when we both have to be out the room that gets him mad.

I know I cant replace the bond he has with my husband, but I'm sure it's better he stays here and has me look after him who he knows anyway rather than put him through more stress and rehome him.
He seems happy overall...swinging, climbing, talking constantly and making silly imitation noises. He stuff his face all day and talks inbetween. 
He doesn't pluck or anything.
I just can't get rid of him. He's too important. And it's not as if he's as adaptable as say a hamster to rehome.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I can't stop crying when I look at him and think of him not being with us. Right now he's doing the peekaboo I taught him and he's smoothing his own head, telling himself off and saying all sorts of cute and funny things he's come to say over the last few months.

I just can't imagine not being able to hear that and see him everyday, even if he is noisy and shows off.


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## Shellsfeathers&fur (Jan 18, 2009)

Personally I would say try and keep the parrot and eventually he may well bond with you. Afterall if you rehome then who is to say he will bond with the new owner.

Totally unrelated to this post, I know your husband has had a kidney transplant, but why is he depressed and angry all the time. I have read your other posts and he really does need to sort himself out as it does not seem at all fair to drag you down as well. Purely out of interest, how old are you both and how long have you been together/married?

I hope you don't take offence to me posting the above on this thread, but I think he needs some serious help and fast.


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## 4lph4d0g (Feb 24, 2009)

You should keep him, as he knows you, mabye not aswell as your husband but he will still feel a degree of comfort around you. More so than a completly new home, surroundings + people. And when your husband gets his depression under control he would be thankfull you kept the parrot and never got rid. Well i would be, so im assuming he will be aswell lol? Sounds like the parrot means alot to you aswell so just keep trying to build up a trusting relationship with it. It will take time obviously, but it is achivable with perseverance. Good luck hope things get better.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thankyou. I get annoyed as well as he is constantly noisy except when he's eating, but I'm more annoyed by it really cos I know my husband gets riled up and wants him gone. I'm afraid though it will become a choice in the end on my husbands part...husband or parrot?

I think the main noises he does when we are not in the room is just calling to his flock cos he's on his own. I'm in the spare room having a cup of tea and a *** now and he's doing it. I'm trying to train him out of it by telling him what I'm going to be doing next and saying I'll be back in a few minutes and then praising him a lot when I come back I'm after he's quiet. I cant feed him treats cos he doesn't like my hands.

My husband has always had depression and has always been under the care of some psyhcologist or other as he still is now. He's been on an antidepressant for years and after the transplant and frequent hospital trips he became depressed again. He decided to change his antidepressant to a different one, as he felt it wasnt enough for him. That may be, but his newest one he's been on for months (martazapine) doesn't seem to be working. At a lowest dose he became more sleepy and his snoring became worse. Things escalated and I rang his psychiatrist who prescribed them. 
She said to go onto the next dose up. Apart from the odd time where they seemed to help maintain control, its been worse, a lot worse. He gets irritated at every single little thing, he lashes out and yells, throws stuff etc. He takes everything the wrong way and isolates himself. he wakes up every morning with a crippling migraine and is either sick with it or feeling like he's going to be sick. I'm sure the fact he's so angry is mainly down to suddenly coming off his old antidepressant (citalopram) a few times and going back on it on the same dose and when he changed from one med to the other he stopped the old one suddenly and started on the new one a week later. So he's all messed up.
That wasn't his choice. His doctors arnt giving him the tablets on time or at all even though im ordering them.and we are still in the process of sorting this all out. 
I'm sure the migraines are largely to do with stress. He said he's has been worse than this anger wise before he was on these tablets he's on now. Wether or not he means before he was on any antidressant or when he was on the old one I dont know.
I mean at the moment even dropping a tablet box by accident, or the strip not coming out properly irritates him and he tears open the box.

I don't mind at all you asking about this as it is effecting the parrot. Sorry for all the info, but I tried as best as I could to include what I thought was related. We have known each other since we were 18 and been together on and off for that whole time. We are now nearly 28 and have been married nearly two years. Obviously there's no intimacy of any kind at all which makes it even harder for me to deal with it all and feeling strong enough to support him. 
It's a very complicated situation, but I'm so scared he will just ring up someone to take the parrot away or give me a choice. His dad agrees with him that he should go. Theres nothing I can do then if they come back now and say we are going to be ringing our local breeder to take him away.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Ok I looked into noises that greys make and can't find the one he makes when we are out the room.

This video though shows exactly what our grey does when he's freaked out.YouTube - African Grey Screaming
Hope it works for you. 
Apparently this parrot is normally handled without gloves, but needs to go to the vets and is terrified of his travel cage so gloves are needed. 
Obviously still a scared bird though.

Bear in mind our grey does this daily whenever you cover him, or he's scared by you taking your dressing gown off or anything. It's the only time he does it and that's what causes my husband to get really angry.

Sometimes he will do it if you walk by or for no reason, but this is mainly why he does it.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Another example is this video (only at 37 seconds in) he screeches once but doesn't seem upset...just annoyed.
This is the noise ours makes constantly really loudly while somehing he doesn't like is happening.YouTube - African Grey Noise


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## Shellsfeathers&fur (Jan 18, 2009)

I admire you for what you have to put up with - does your husband really realise what he is doing to you? 

Despite my username (I'm a she!) I was married for 23 years and have brought up two sons on my own for the last 5 years. Whilst I'm not suggesting you go your separate ways I view life somewhat differently now and would not now put up with what occurred previously - not other women or anything like that, purely miserable, bad tempered, dis-interest in the boys and me.

Now, back on topic:

We never cover our birds up at night. When we first had our original 4 budgies we did the first night and they screamed and flapped madly so we removed the cover! We now have a lot, some have passed away through natural causes, and we have bred some and acquired some. They are kept in an indoor aviary in a spare bedroom with 3 cockatiels and wake about 5 am at the moment.

Our African Grey reacts with people he doesn't know. Any sudden movements, I guess like a dressing gown coming off, would no doubt scare them. 

I don't quite know what you can do other than sit near and talk to the parrot. I think just sitting with them helps plus it calms you too, especially as I know you have cats which are a brilliant source of peace! We have another parrot who really only responds to one of my sons. He is a Senegal and dislikes my older son who is at university and me. However, when my other son goes (he is the real animal lover in the house) Paddy will have to get used to me. 

I always say at least with the animals they love you, listen to you, agree with you, don't repeat what you say and least of all stab you in the back.

A problem shared is a problem halved or something like that. I'm more than happy to continue this thread discussing parrots etc.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thankyou. I do not know if and when things with my husband will get better parrot and not parrot wise.
I csn only hope they do. I don't think he understands completely, but he knows he's hurting me etc. He says he's sorry but he doesn't seem to be able to control being in such a foul mood and things making him angry all the time.

I really do hope that the grey gets used to me. As he wont be able to come out for ages again otherwise. He's in a big cage but that's not enough. He needs to come out, stretch his wings and he needs me to change his toys or put his perch that fell down back up etc etc.
At the moment I csnt do any of that.

I am very depressed too, as a result of every thing that's going on, and I'm trying my best every day to get on with things, do my best for everyone and stay strong for all of us.

The only way I csn describe the noise the grey makes when we are out of room is constantly 'high pitched barking or helping like a puppy' but it not something he's copied. It's natural I'm sure.


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## Ron Magpie (Oct 11, 2009)

I *do* cover my birds at night, because they are in my living room- they need their peace too!:lol2: They seem to welcome it, though, and each gets a personal 'good night'. When I first got Rilla, my Tinmeh African grey, he was a growler; making a vile noise any time anyone came near his cage, and freaking out when hands came anywhere near him. He had been rehomed several times before on this basis, even though he was only about 18 months old. I was determined that he would have some stability, so I resisted the urge to give up with him. Umpteen years later, he is a valued member of the household (of course, he thinks he's the *most* important, lol). He still doesn't like hands, although he will let us stroke his beak and give us kisses, and he loves to ruffle my hair when he is out. Unfortunately, he has always had a thing about sticks, too- as he is aviary-bred, I'm guessing he must have been chased around with a stick when young- which rather messed up my back-up plan of training him to be carried on a stick instead of my hand...:whistling2:

Since he still won't be handled, any control I have over him is verbal; since I never feed him outside of his cage, he has learned that if he wants a treat, he has to go back inside- 'Rills, dyu want a peanut?' works every time! 
All of this is leading up to; *if* you can give him time and attention, and *if* you can do this without the domestic situation interferring, you have a hope of building up a real rapport with him. Is there a spare room in the house you can move him to where he may disturb your partner less? I'm getting into dodgy ground here (your relationship is of course not my business) but can you explain to your partner what you are trying to do, for the overall good? Obviously he has a lot to deal with at the moment, but maybe he can understand that you need some kind of outlet of your own? In any case, I hope it works out for all three beings concerened!


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thanks. I don't think my husband even wants me to talk about the bird. That's how bad it is. There's no room anywhere else in the flat he can go. We used to keep him in the bedroom before we had a bed and he stayed there as well while my hsband was back n forth to hospital. So he's only really been in the living room for about 6months or so I'd say and during the time of course he got old enough to find his voice and picked up all sorts.
When he was in the bedroom he didn't freak out as much at all, and I don't think he did that calling barking thing when on his own. he's much happier in the room.
Maybe he will always be this way. I really hope not. 
If he didn't scream it wouldn't be so much of a problem.

So of yours doesnt like hands or sticks he just comes out snd goes back in as he pleases or when he's told for a peanut?
Ours doesn't come out even when the cage is open and doesn't like you near the cage at all. 
He tolerates me sweeping up on the floor and now and then coming right up and talking to him. When my husband was bothering and the trust was building back up he was constanly asking him for smooths and putting his head down making kissey noises. Then when my husband looked away he would call him by name till he looked again, and then ask for more smooths.
Its a real shame cos he had only just got to that point again with my husband and it took a long time. Now it seems it's going backwards very fast.
A long time ago he would ride on my husbands shoulder, arm and sit om the door frames and curtain poles. He would love to be out and just sitting there quietly. My husband used to ask me not to talk to him too much etc so he'd get used to him more when they were building trust back up.
He was asking me for smooths a few weeks ago but I wasn't brave enough at the time and also he was pinning his eyes which made me wary. 
He also has this trick he does where he will accept smooths and then bite straight away with a sharp noise, attacking your hand.

What if I can't ever get him out? That's not fair. And I'm a real wimp when it comes to pain, blood and bites! Took me forever to get used to my parrotlets beak!


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## Ron Magpie (Oct 11, 2009)

Yep, with Rills it's bribery all the way!:lol2: He's much better about hands and contact generally these days, and he's very affectionate, but he won't step up. Weirdly, on the rare occasion that I've had to manhandle him with a towel, he doesn't seem to have held any kind of grudge at all- wild guessing here, but I wonder if it's a combination of the fact that a towel really doesn't hurt, and since it's over his head, not being able to see somehow calms him- he still doesn't actually like it, but the minute he's released, he's back to normal- go figure.:whistling2: As to the cage thing, I've noticed that so far as Rills is concerned, his cage is very much his territory- that's where he feels safe, and if there are unexpected noises or movements around, he will head straight back in. It may be that your bird is clinging to that security, hence his reluctance to come out, especially while there is tension about. It sounds as if he is making tentative attempts to be friendly- maybe you would be best opening his cage regularly- if he wants to come out and gets to feel safe enough, he will- but not feeling bad because he doesn't quite dare yet- he will. Are there any particular treats he likes? As I've said, Rilla is mad for peanuts, and even in the bad old days, would happily come up to the wire to take one from my fingers. If he learns to associate you with munchies, I'd bet he'll start looking forward to your approach.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

He doesn't like anything treat wise really. He picks and chooses what different seeds and nuts everyday in his bowl he likes. One day he can love peanuts, the next he'd be chucking them through the bars saying 'no'. The next day he may love them again.

He sometimes likes rich tea biscuits and would take them from my husband, but if the pieces are too big or he's in a funny mood he will be scared of them and won't even go near his bowl if they're in there.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Well, I cleaned him out with him being all nice and giving kissey noises, but then he's never had a problem with being cleaned out ever.
Only the bottom tray of the cage mind you. He won't let me inside to clean the rest or pick up any fallen perches.
If je wnt let my husband do that either, then I got no chance ATM.

He's still asking now and them for smooths. Just wish I had a mini paintbrush or something to practice with lol.


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## Sarah-Jayne (Jul 4, 2007)

I just wanted to say, I had severe depression for some time after my Dad passed away, it was really bad. I had 3 birds at the time, 2 conures and my grey. I couldn't cope with them all and I parted with my conures.

I wish I hadn't, one of them flew out of the new owner's window never to be seen again, and I wonder quite often what became of Milo (the other one) whether the same thing happened to her.

Please try and keep hold of the grey, it may take a long time but with time and patience he may bond to you a bit?


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## TheProfessor (Apr 19, 2011)

Stephen P said:


> I admire you for what you have to put up with - does your husband really realise what he is doing to you?
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> ...


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## Shellsfeathers&fur (Jan 18, 2009)

Yes I do know.

However, there are other posts about her husband where sadly he does not seem willingly to support/help her. He has not always had depression though.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thanks for all the well wishes and info. I appreciate it. 

I really hope things do get better and the parrot stays also.
My husband has always had depression, anxiety and anger issues. 
I just hope we all come out of it in a way thats best for everyone and we can be happy again.

This moving thing is very stressful by itself without any of this, and I have no idea what places are nice and what arnt which makes it so much more difficult to find somewhere. 

Found a lovely cottage we can rent in Pembrokeshire but it's very small and not sjre if they accept pets or DSS yet. Plus it has an oil based central heating system which is expensive. Shame as it's lovely and quiet, not far from a stream and beach and has two gardens. One with a stream bound to it. Even has a lovely name. That's just what we want but without the oil and with a bigger inside.


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## TheProfessor (Apr 19, 2011)

Black Rose its only just occurred to me and apologies its been a long day....

Next time you speak to your husbands psychologist/psychiatrist you can request mood suppressants which can be used in conjunction with most anti-depressants! 
There are varying ones and due to lateness and been working all night my brain has fried for the one am thinking of.....(will add in morning when am not quite so dead) 
But regardless you can speak to your doctor about these! They should level off your husbands mood slightly and decrease the angry and cycling behaviour (so he shouldn't fly off the handle at things so much), then with the antidepressants should lift him back up into manageable moods, this is always worth a thought if he is struggling at the moment, and you didn't mention them?


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Ah thankyou, I didn't think to mention but he's been on beta blockers for a show now and they've just been changed to new ones to see if they will have any effect.


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## TheProfessor (Apr 19, 2011)

Apologies for the late reply, I have had deadlines all this week been hell! 

Quetiapine Is the name of the mood suppressant I was thinking of the other night. I have found this to be absolutely brilliant, so it maybe worth asking the psychologist/psychiatrist about this for your husband? 

Anyways good look! For both you, husband and the parrot


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

Thanks I'll look into it. Sadly there's only a couple of select safe meds he's allowed on due to his kidney. He was on propanalol or something but don't know the name of the new replacement one. 
He's said he is going to join in more with the looking after of the grey and he misses him being out in his shoulder etc. He realises his behaviour sets him back by a long time.


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## BlackRose (Jul 8, 2007)

I gotta say I'm loving the greys vocabulary. Its really grown over the last few months.
He will tell himself off when he's naughty by saying 'oi! Nooooooo, no! Naughty boy! Be quiet! Stop it!' and when I sush him he sushes back louder and it goes back and forth like that.
When he's good he says 'gimme kisses!' (and makes a kissey noise) and then fluffs his feathers up, stretches his neck and says 'im a good boy!'

The rest is mainly calling the cats saying 'Rolo! Muffin! Come on then! Come on! No you have to, come on!' (then copies Muffins protest meow)
He will white often do a 'Oooo!' and copies the microwave and ps3 beeps all the time.
When is he likely to reach the peak of his talking, like when he's found his voice properly? He talks properly now and mimics noises and voices exactly like they are, to the point where my hsband answers thinking it's me calling him lol. But a little of what he says is just mumbling and jibberish and sometimes his voice is still a litte hoarse sounding. Is he likely to carry on with these words and noises he's doing everyday?

I love this video, although on some of the Alex vids he looks like he's rather overworked and stressed with his feathers and asking to go back all the time. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7yGOgs_UlEc
Anyone know if all greys can be how Alex was or was he one of very few that could be that smart? I know theyre all as smart as children and some must be smarter overall than others or pick things up quicker like humans do.


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