# Family break up, what to do with the reps??



## tabbyshero (Feb 12, 2009)

Ok so without going into any detail, if there was a family break up and the reps belong to the spouse with the lesser income, the leaving spouse offered to take the reps off me and pay more maintenance, otherwise i'd have "more luck getting blood from a stone" what would you do?? I know a legal battle would be lengthy and frankly, I don't have money to play with.

Thanks, Leanne.


----------



## Malymaz (Oct 11, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> Ok so without going into any detail, if there was a family break up and the reps belong to the spouse with the lesser income, the leaving spouse offered to take the reps off me and pay more maintenance, otherwise i'd have "more luck getting blood from a stone" what would you do?? I know a legal battle would be lengthy and frankly, I don't have money to play with.
> 
> Thanks, Leanne.


If it was me I would either sell the reps ( who says they won't do that when you hand them over ) or find someone willing to look after them until I was back on my feet! That's just what I would do


----------



## Animal madness (May 28, 2011)

the reptiles are better off with who ever can look after them the best and has the time for them, the don't cost that much to look after unless you have a hell of a lot lol, break ups can be hard and all i say is if they are rightfully yours and you brought them, or was brought them as a gift keep them if you can afford to if not let him buy them, don't accept more maintenence thats a way of him prob getting away with paying anything for them and if it came into a legal battle over paying more maintenence they would laugh if they heard it was for taking on reptiles take cash or keep them if you can all the best to you


----------



## tom and tina (Oct 28, 2009)

Do you mean he will pay more towards children if you hand over your reptiles. If so thats blackmail and i would tell him to stick it, because whos to say that when he gets the animals he will keep his side of the bargain.


----------



## tabbyshero (Feb 12, 2009)

tom and tina said:


> Do you mean he will pay more towards children if you hand over your reptiles. If so thats blackmail and i would tell him to stick it, because whos to say that when he gets the animals he will keep his side of the bargain.


No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


----------



## Meko (Apr 29, 2007)

if they're your reps then keep hold of them. If he doesn't pay you maintenance then go through the CSA / whatever to get your maintenance. All that you can guarantee is that once you hand them over you've no guarantee what will happen.


----------



## Marti3P (Sep 5, 2010)

Well a shotgun or some viper poison aught to do the trick... Then whats his is yours and you can keep the reps... Alls fair in love & war!

Tell him to go sit on a cesspit blackmail is low... :2thumb:

Phil


----------



## oakelm (Jan 14, 2009)

In a situation like that they still are financially the property of whoever brought them. That's who they should be with regardless. If they were used in a maintenance blackmail kind of way honestly I would sell them to fund legal costs. What's to say once handed over they wouldn't be sold or that the maintenance would come through. Unless it's legally down on paper there would be no way I would do a deal like that.

Not really looking at it as what's best for the reptile because in situations like that then self and family would have to come first.


----------



## berbers (May 29, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


thats still blackmail and youre entitled to maintainance straight away. 
unfortunately it must be your judgement what you think is best for you & your kids and your animals.

best of luck, it must be a very difficult time for you


----------



## s3xy_sheep (Jan 28, 2009)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


let the reps go if your not in a position to care for them and have them strain on your finances you can get the maintainance legally entitled to you there not alot they can do to stop that


----------



## tom and tina (Oct 28, 2009)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


Thats a awful situation to be in, and i feel for you.
On the bright side my cousin lives in sacriston and im sure he could arrange something :whistling2: lol. Then you could say you bought new reps, in a couple of months time lol.
On a serious note. Things will work out. Its kinda holding you to ransom, and im sure if you went to legal aid they could sort something out, as you dont earn any money it should be pretty cheap. Your best bet is to go to the cab and they can point you in the right directions x


----------



## tabbyshero (Feb 12, 2009)

Thanks for the replies all..It's just that, they are my animals, I sorced, bought and nurtured everyone of them, he's never even shown an interest in them. I think he's doing this because he knows how to hurt me but also, I know how long a csa agreement will take to present itself. I have very little money, less now that he's buggered off and he knows it. It is blackmail in a way though as ashamed as I am to say it, it's tempting...I know, whip me now! :whip:


----------



## rum&coke (Apr 19, 2009)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


 
Just remind him it will also be a long drawn out process to get to see his kids if he don't pay maintenance. Don't let him blackmail you. I'm totally against fathers not getting to see there kids but at the end of the day if he wont pay toward them he loses his entitlement. Let him take you to court for visitations and watch him squirm when one of the first questions he gets asked is if he pays maintenance.


----------



## Chunk247 (May 30, 2010)

without getting into the massive legal side of this, if some of the reptiles are his, i.e. he paid for them but more importantly, some of them or more his pets in terms of attachment then you morally should hand them over.


----------



## berbers (May 29, 2010)

rum&coke said:


> Just remind him it will also be a long drawn out process to get to see his kids if he don't pay maintenance. Don't let him blackmail you. I'm totally against fathers not getting to see there kids but at the end of the day if he wont pay toward them he loses his entitlement. Let him take you to court for visitations and watch him squirm when one of the first questions he gets asked is if he pays maintenance.


agree with rum, although children should never be used as bargaining tools in any way. you have to stand up to him and not let him f:censor:k you around. 

the welfare of yourself and your children is by far the main priority but if he hasnt cared for the animals while you were together, whats he going to do with them on his own?


----------



## tom and tina (Oct 28, 2009)

I know it is probably tempting, but if he is trying to hurt you, then he will prob get the reps, and then sell them to hurt you some more, and then not pay maintenance what so ever. If he was going to pay for the kids he would stump up the cash asap, but he has found a bargaining chip. 
If you cant afford the reps then i will more than happily look after them for you till you get settled, and im sure many people on here would do the same. As you say you nurtured them so why should you give em to him. Or sell them and use the money to fight your corner. He probably would'nt know what to do with them anyways.


----------



## _emmie_x_ (Aug 7, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> Thanks for the replies all..It's just that, they are my animals, I sorced, bought and nurtured everyone of them, he's never even shown an interest in them. I think he's doing this because he knows how to hurt me but also, I know how long a csa agreement will take to present itself. I have very little money, less now that he's buggered off and he knows it. It is blackmail in a way though as ashamed as I am to say it, it's tempting...I know, whip me now! :whip:


_Hiya,_

_If the reps mean a lot to you, either sell a few of the ones that don't mean as much as others to help you a little finance wise and keep your favorite ones,_

_Or have a friend look after them until your back on your feet and just say you've sold them, I'd be willing to look after them and I'm sure many others would on here _

_Either way phone the CSA and get that ball rolling, as you said it can be a long process but don't let him hurt you because he will just continue to do it_

_What if he doesn't keep to his promise then you'll lose your reps and be in the same finance situation,_

_Just my opinion,_

_regards, emmie x_


----------



## BigRoj (Oct 26, 2010)

_emmie_x_ said:


> _Hiya,_
> 
> _If the reps mean a lot to you, either sell a few of the ones that don't mean as much as others to help you a little finance wise and keep your favorite ones,_
> 
> ...


 
Pretty much this ^^^^^^^^^
Try and hang on to everything for as long as you can. Foster them out if you have to, until you can afford to get them back. As said before there are a lot of people on here who would be happy to help.
Do not let him blackmail you into anything.
As a father he has a responsibility to pay for his children no matter what.Oh and the csa really doesnt take that long.

Good luck


----------



## Carla-Marie (Mar 5, 2010)

There are benefits you can claim as a single Mum, especially when you have 4 children and 1 is autistic. You should get yourself straight down the benefits office to get things sorted. Hopefully then you'll be financially stable. I understand that living on benefits is hard but something is better than nothing. Any CSA payments won't affect your benefits in any case. 

If it was me, I'd keep my beloved reptiles. You can claim back dated CSA from the date you made your application. I'm guessing he works? If so they can take the money straight from his wages, simply ask them to collect the money. If you find you can't afford to keep the reptiles then you can sell/gift them to lovely new homes where you know they'll be cared for and keep any of them that you feel you can afford to. 

I really feel for you in this situation but you have to be strong and let him know that you cannot be walked all over. 

Get down the benefits office and call CSA today! In fact you can even do it online without having to get dressed or leave the house!

:grouphug:


----------



## SirSlithers (May 8, 2010)

rum&coke said:


> Just remind him it will also be a long drawn out process to get to see his kids if he don't pay maintenance. Don't let him blackmail you. I'm totally against fathers not getting to see there kids but at the end of the day if he wont pay toward them he loses his entitlement. Let him take you to court for visitations and watch him squirm when one of the first questions he gets asked is if he pays maintenance.


No, just no. This is a terrible idea. I agree he's being a :censor: nut until you've had your own kids used against you then you can never understand the emotional damage this causes on both sides. In vulnerable children this can be unrepairable so I repeat, NO NO NO!


----------



## rum&coke (Apr 19, 2009)

sir slithers said:


> No, just no. This is a terrible idea. I agree he's being a :censor: nut until you've had your own kids used against you then you can never understand the emotional damage this causes on both sides. In vulnerable children this can be unrepairable so I repeat, NO NO NO!


It's not holding the kids against the dad, the dad is being a :censor: and using the kids already by threatening not to pay maintenance unless he gets his way. As much as I hated my ex when we split up the first thing I did was pay my way as I never want for my kid to think I am not prepared to put my hand in my pocket for him.
Getting to see your kids is a right but only if you pay maintenance as thats a right also. Unless the dad grows up and acts like a dad the poor kids are gonna get hurt anyway.


----------



## louise83 (May 10, 2011)

What a situation!! Carla-marie is right, there are benifits and tax credits you can get. When my OH got made redundant we were a year on benifits, I can pm with an average how much you get depending on how many kids you have? As for csa they are really crap, they took 2 years to sort out payments for my son from my ex, but make sure benifits know he doesnt give you money. I wouldnt stop access tho, I know the feeling that you want to play the games he is playing but kids generally dont benifit from not seeing the other parent. If you bought the snakes, then legally they are yours, he is just trying to get you over a barrel :whip:


----------



## Tibicar (Mar 2, 2011)

rum&coke said:


> Just remind him it will also be a long drawn out process to get to see his kids if he don't pay maintenance. Don't let him blackmail you. I'm totally against fathers not getting to see there kids but at the end of the day if he wont pay toward them he loses his entitlement. Let him take you to court for visitations and watch him squirm when one of the first questions he gets asked is if he pays maintenance.


I'd be careful going down that route, or you are the one holding the kids to ransom, and the courts can look down on it, then you'd both end up with slapped wrists. Go to your local CAB or ring round your local solicitors firms for one with a family department and find out if they do things for people without means. A lot of the big firms will run a free clinic. Your local CAB should know which ones they are. If you're getting divorced then you need legal representation to help with kids, house sale, assets etc. If you can go via the courts that's the way as there will be a binding maintinence order and visitation order so that no-one can step out of line. As for the snakes they could be the kids pets, ours are so would stay with the kids.


----------



## SirSlithers (May 8, 2010)

rum&coke said:


> It's not holding the kids against the dad, the dad is being a :censor: and using the kids already by threatening not to pay maintenance unless he gets his way. As much as I hated my ex when we split up the first thing I did was pay my way as I never want for my kid to think I am not prepared to put my hand in my pocket for him.
> Getting to see your kids is a right but only if you pay maintenance as thats a right also. Unless the dad grows up and acts like a dad the poor kids are gonna get hurt anyway.


I agree with you a 100% he is being a :censor: but playing that game makes you as bad as him. I pay maintenance evry month on time and often give extra bits during the rest of the month as well. Yet my kids are still used as weapons against me when she doesnt get her own way. Its a horrible situation to be in but i have been careful to never badmouth her either to or around the kids as parents fighting is emotionally damaging. Thats the point I was trying to make why would she want to give him the opportunity for him to use the 'your mother wouldn't let me see you' argument? I'm not talking about in court, I mean in the future when they ask why Daddy doesn't love them. Kids don't see the world in the same black and white way we do, they need protecting in situations like this, not being pushed to the forefront as the newest weapon.


----------



## April Taylor (Nov 25, 2008)

I don't want to comment on the situation because it is none of my business, but I would like to say that i wish you all the best. :2thumb:


----------



## rum&coke (Apr 19, 2009)

I'm actually quite shocked how many people are prepared to let the dad have visitation even if he is threatening to withhold maintenance and playing games already. I have been through the courts once with this whole process with a step child and know that the key to a successfully split parents arrangement is both parents playing ball and doing what is required from them with out taking the :censor:. It's no wonder the CSA is such a joke when people just don't do what they are supposed to and are prepared to let stupid bitter fathers get away with not paying toward there kids.
But one thing I will say is it probably wont even come to the court as if you have only recently split up then there is a good chance the father is just bitter, alot of empty threats and posturing is the norm in a split and normally people come to there senses once they accept the situation. I do agree seek legal advice and know your solicitor will have maintenance payments pretty high up on the list of things to get.


----------



## cloggers (Mar 13, 2010)

We were used as pawns for a while after my parents split, and then as messengers it was ridiculous, and at the age of 4/5 it hurt to think my parents just used me for their gain. They weren't they were just so bitter that it felt like this, I agree with Sir Slithers, this is a difficult time for you but it's also difficult for the kids especially the younger ones : victory:

Ring CSA and get it started, my mum and dad had a mutual agreement on how much maintenance he gives her, yet the CSA are still slightly involved. Also go to CAB, find out what you're entitled to and what they would reccomend in this situation, I appreciate that you love your reps, but maybe selling them would be an idea if you're already in financial difficulty, or get a family member/friend or someone on here to temporarily care for them.

Good luck with everything, and from your kids point of view it could be a rough couple of months, stay strong : victory:


----------



## rum&coke (Apr 19, 2009)

sir slithers said:


> I agree with you a 100% he is being a :censor: but playing that game makes you as bad as him. I pay maintenance evry month on time and often give extra bits during the rest of the month as well. Yet my kids are still used as weapons against me when she doesnt get her own way. Its a horrible situation to be in but i have been careful to never badmouth her either to or around the kids as parents fighting is emotionally damaging. Thats the point I was trying to make why would she want to give him the opportunity for him to use the 'your mother wouldn't let me see you' argument? I'm not talking about in court, I mean in the future when they ask why Daddy doesn't love them. Kids don't see the world in the same black and white way we do, they need protecting in situations like this, not being pushed to the forefront as the newest weapon.


Thats why it's important to reality check the dad straight away. If the first thing he does is play games and mess about with maintenance. If she lets him get away with this his behavior will only get worse. From her side it's not playing games it is showing that as long as he plays straight she will play straight. At the end of the day if everyone knows that things will work if each party plays fair but if people take the :censor: things stop and go back to court. Some people need to have that over them to keep them doing the right thing. It may make things hard at first but after the process iscompletee there will be a solid agreement and foundation for the kid to have his whole life. I think atoughh time for 6 months to a year is better than a life time of game playing and bitterness as far as the kidswelfarer is concerned.


----------



## Tibicar (Mar 2, 2011)

sir slithers said:


> I agree with you a 100% he is being a :censor: but playing that game makes you as bad as him. I pay maintenance evry month on time and often give extra bits during the rest of the month as well. Yet my kids are still used as weapons against me when she doesnt get her own way. Its a horrible situation to be in but i have been careful to never badmouth her either to or around the kids as parents fighting is emotionally damaging. Thats the point I was trying to make why would she want to give him the opportunity for him to use the 'your mother wouldn't let me see you' argument? I'm not talking about in court, I mean in the future when they ask why Daddy doesn't love them. Kids don't see the world in the same black and white way we do, they need protecting in situations like this, not being pushed to the forefront as the newest weapon.


Was talking to my mum yesterday about this as she has a friend in the same situation as you and my mum knows a lot about visitation orders as she runs a contact centre. Her friend went back to court as his wife was messing about with his visitation, with dates and examples and was told the courts have just been granted new powers to give mothers community service in situations like this, to stop mums using the kids as weapons.


----------



## longqi (Feb 18, 2011)

How much is he insured for???


----------



## Roseanna (Apr 26, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


 hmm this is a tricky one and i'm sorry to hear you are in this position .
is there anyway he could look after them until you manage to get a job and sort your financess out? or is he not willing to do so? or could you maybe ask a friend or even someone on here to look after a few until you get a job and sort things out? maybe even pay them back when things are better?
i don't like to say this but if things are too hard then maybe it's best to sell them on, if he isn't interested in them then i don't see why he should have them.
i'm sorry you are in this situation


----------



## emmabee (Oct 29, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> No, what he's saying is, he'll pay maintenance with immidiate affect if he gets the reps, otherwise, it will be a long drawn out process and I don't work, i've always been a housewife. I have 4 kids ranging between 3 and 9 years old, one of whom is autistic and its hard, even with him here. I can't begin to think how i'll cope on my own, financially or otherwise.


god lord what an arse.

dont let the financial side put you off. so what youve been a housewife? there are people who can help you get the things you are entitled to and need. the CSA is just one of them. in your situation you wont pay any legal costs.
go see the CAB to get info on what and who can help you financially, legally and emotionally.
he is playing on your vaunrable situation and that is not acceptable under any circumstances. I HATE BULLIES!!

oh and as far as the reps go, if they are yours then tell him to stick it. sell them or foster them out first.


----------



## Tds79 (Nov 6, 2010)

You said they are your reps and he hasn't shown must interest, which suggests to me he probably won't give them the care you give them and he purely wants to use them as bargaining tool. 

First thing tomorrow I would find a good solicitors and go in and see them, get the ball rolling now. Also if he is working and your not you should get legal aid/he will have to foot the bill. 
I do feel for you but don't let him be a bully who is to say if he takes the reps he will pay straight away ? what if you let him take them and he doesn't ? 
Tell him if he is going to take the reptiles and agrees to paying straight away you want it in writing otherwise he can jog on. If he is serious he will have no problems in that at all.....my guess his just being a :censor: and trying to see how far he can push his luck and is trying to mess with your head.


----------



## Roseanna (Apr 26, 2010)

i've just wandered something, did he buy them? if so would this not mean he would be entitled to legal ownership? :\ sorry if i'm wrong lol.


----------



## Tds79 (Nov 6, 2010)

Roseanna said:


> i've just wandered something, did he buy them? if so would this not mean he would be entitled to legal ownership? :\ sorry if i'm wrong lol.


You would have to prove he didn't buy them.


----------



## emmabee (Oct 29, 2010)

Tds79 said:


> You would have to prove he didn't buy them.


TBH i dont think when it comes to splitting assests this is the case.

if he did buy them as a gift even or you bought them out of housekeeping money he provided or he bought them outright its still part of the joint assets. the only time i think it comes into consideration is if you brought them before or after the marrage.

unless its amicable it will be for a judge to decide. (and if hes using them as a barganing tool for maintenance to hurt her its not good for him!)


----------



## tabbyshero (Feb 12, 2009)

Thanks all for the messages of support and advice, it's still all very much up in the air so I still havn't decided exactly what to do yet..I know one thing, I will not be taken for a mug and have no intentions of rolling over and playing the stupid puppy! As far as ownership of the reps, it's a muddy area as in technically, I bought the reps, they were my hobby, they were purchased with money from both of us, we never had our own money, we always pooled together what we had and bought whatever we wanted. I bought reps, he bought games, gaming chairs, consoles etc etc. I'm sure this muddies the water legally, i'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I can afford to keep my reps, i'm just panicking on how bad the split will affect me financially when he leaves (currently still here looking for accomodation) I suppose I will just wait and see how the land lies once he's gone and go from there..


----------



## rum&coke (Apr 19, 2009)

tabbyshero said:


> Thanks all for the messages of support and advice, it's still all very much up in the air so I still havn't decided exactly what to do yet..I know one thing, I will not be taken for a mug and have no intentions of rolling over and playing the stupid puppy! As far as ownership of the reps, it's a muddy area as in technically, I bought the reps, they were my hobby, they were purchased with money from both of us, we never had our own money, we always pooled together what we had and bought whatever we wanted. I bought reps, he bought games, gaming chairs, consoles etc etc. I'm sure this muddies the water legally, i'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I can afford to keep my reps, i'm just panicking on how bad the split will affect me financially when he leaves (currently still here looking for accomodation) I suppose I will just wait and see how the land lies once he's gone and go from there..


 
Try not to worry about how the split will effect you financially too much as being Dependant on somebody for money is no reason to stay with anyone. You will probably find your better off without him anyway as wont have to waste money on games :lol2:
And good luck :2thumb:


----------



## Tds79 (Nov 6, 2010)

emmabee said:


> TBH i dont think when it comes to splitting assests this is the case.
> 
> if he did buy them as a gift even or you bought them out of housekeeping money he provided or he bought them outright its still part of the joint assets. the only time i think it comes into consideration is if you brought them before or after the marrage.
> 
> unless its amicable it will be for a judge to decide. (and if hes using them as a barganing tool for maintenance to hurt her its not good for him!)


Not always the case, When i went through my divorce I purchased a laptop just before I left, the ex said he purchased it and used bank statements of him withdrawing a few hundred quid (tbh the money he withdrew could have been used for anything) but because I couldn't prove I had purchased it myself I was told ether return the laptop or take the money out of the final settlement. 
What I will say to the op is get proof of EVERYTHING I learnt the hard way and unless you can prove he is saying about maintenance a court/solicitors won't listen unless you have proof, when he does leave write down EVERYTHING he takes. 
I am guessing your married, if so I am going to be honest he sounds just like my ex so be prepared for a fight, don't worry about money because there is plenty of help out there, I would get down to your local CAB and they will be able to advise you on what help you can get. 
And as previously said I would get to a solicitors asap to get advice.


----------



## Roseanna (Apr 26, 2010)

tabbyshero said:


> Thanks all for the messages of support and advice, it's still all very much up in the air so I still havn't decided exactly what to do yet..I know one thing, I will not be taken for a mug and have no intentions of rolling over and playing the stupid puppy! As far as ownership of the reps, it's a muddy area as in technically, I bought the reps, they were my hobby, they were purchased with money from both of us, we never had our own money, we always pooled together what we had and bought whatever we wanted. I bought reps, he bought games, gaming chairs, consoles etc etc. I'm sure this muddies the water legally, i'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I can afford to keep my reps, i'm just panicking on how bad the split will affect me financially when he leaves (currently still here looking for accomodation) I suppose I will just wait and see how the land lies once he's gone and go from there..


 god that must be such a hard situation!
about the financial situation,i'm pretty sure there are benefits that can help you until you get back on your feet and what not. not sure who you speak to about this though. Good luck and keep smiling!


----------



## Morgan Freeman (Jan 14, 2009)

Sounds like he's already being a child. Good luck with that.


----------



## mort13 (Sep 20, 2010)

Oh no,what a terrible situation to be in. Although by the sounds of him you'll be better off on your own. 
I myself went through the whole split and becoming a single mum a fair few years ago now,its hard to begin with but you'll get there and you'll be happier for it. Luckily myself and my ex were able to sort things amicably and still *mostly* get on and due to that I've always encouraged him to see the kids. My issues more that he doesn't spend the time with them that he should!!
As far as I'm concerned though,if the absent parent,be that the mother or father refuses to provide financially for their children then they have no right to see said children. 
Maybe as said before,cut down on some of your reps. I certainly wouldn't let him take them as I suspect you'll be seeing them in the classifieds section next!! Good luck,I hope things work out for you.


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

Tibicar said:


> Was talking to my mum yesterday about this as she has a friend in the same situation as you and my mum knows a lot about visitation orders as she runs a contact centre. Her friend went back to court as his wife was messing about with his visitation, with dates and examples and was told the courts have just been granted new powers to give mothers community service in situations like this, to stop mums using the kids as weapons.


Isn't it amazing how lenient the law is to deadbeat fathers who abandon their children, and yet they'll do this to single mothers who already have hell on to put food on the tables for their kids who the dads left without even having to think of finding a home for their kids, food for their kids, clothes for their kids (and yet whine they've got it tough). They say they have the power to remove driving licences and even passports from deadbeat dads and yet fail to do any of it because they use a system that encourages fathers to run away and neglect their children further. "You have 3 months to respond to this letter or we will send another letter giving you another 3 months warning so you can find a cash in hand job and avoid the money coming out of your wage"!

Do you believe when my ex husband beat me to within an inch of my life then left his kids without even a backwards glance, the CSA sent ME a threatening letter telling me I had to inform them of his new car numberplate (he didn't even have a licence here!) and his new girlfriend's DOB and address!! Can't believe how one sided the law is - made by idiot men for idiot men.


----------



## Nix (Jan 23, 2008)

KathyM said:


> Do you believe when my ex husband beat me to within an inch of my life then left his kids without even a backwards glance, the CSA sent ME a threatening letter telling me I had to inform them of his new car numberplate (he didn't even have a licence here!) and his new girlfriend's DOB and address!! Can't believe how one sided the law is - made by idiot men for idiot men.


My father was exactly the same to my mother and us when we were kids. 

To the OP - get sound legal advice. The CAB is the place to go in the first instance. If he has moved out, change all the locks, you don't want him just wandering in and taking your reps/other assests out. Even better move them to someone else's house for the time being and anything precious to you so it can't disappear.

Be sure to be clear if it comes to court that your OH has had no duty of care towards the animals and that he has taken no interest thoughout. Are they registered in your name at the vets? If you have log sheets of sheds etc take copies. These are even more handy if you have them in your own handwriting. 

Hopefully it will go that he gets his games/equipment and you get your reps.


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

tabbyshero said:


> Thanks all for the messages of support and advice, it's still all very much up in the air so I still havn't decided exactly what to do yet..I know one thing, I will not be taken for a mug and have no intentions of rolling over and playing the stupid puppy! As far as ownership of the reps, it's a muddy area as in technically, I bought the reps, they were my hobby, they were purchased with money from both of us, we never had our own money, we always pooled together what we had and bought whatever we wanted. I bought reps, he bought games, gaming chairs, consoles etc etc. I'm sure this muddies the water legally, i'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I can afford to keep my reps, i'm just panicking on how bad the split will affect me financially when he leaves (currently still here looking for accomodation) I suppose I will just wait and see how the land lies once he's gone and go from there..


I think the first thing I'd do is tell him to get the hell out of your house today. If he's going to threaten you financially and even threaten to neglect his children by holding the maintenance over your head, I'd tell him he's blown what little help he had in time to find a place and tell him to find a fecking hotel room or a park bench. In fact, let me tell him for you, I despise men who hold power over their spouse and children by using their own selfishness to use you like a puppet. Spoiled fecking brat of a guy, needs a swift kick in the nads. Tell him Ann Summers have a sale on and what little use he was has been replaced by a battery driven model that's more fun to spend time with and more hygienic. More personality too by the sounds of it!


----------



## Morgan Freeman (Jan 14, 2009)

KathyM said:


> Can't believe how one sided the law is - made by idiot men for idiot men.


 
This is probably why when custody arguments arise the man always wins. Oh...wait....


----------



## Morgan Freeman (Jan 14, 2009)

KathyM said:


> I think the first thing I'd do is tell him to get the hell out of your house today. If he's going to threaten you financially and even threaten to neglect his children by holding the maintenance over your head, I'd tell him he's blown what little help he had in time to find a place and tell him to find a fecking hotel room or a park bench. In fact, let me tell him for you, I despise men who hold power over their spouse and children by using their own selfishness to use you like a puppet. it!


This.

The fact that he thinks the money is going to her and not the children, what an idiot. It's the kids that will suffer, idiot man.


----------



## Rach1 (May 18, 2010)

Hello,
I don't know you and none of us know the full situation, but it sure sounds like life is throwing you a bad hand at the moment.
My advice would be as follows.
Firstly, i would forget about the reptiles for now...as they are currently all housed etc and feed would not cost the earth etc. 
i would focus on getting the benefits etc you are intitled to..call tax credit immediatly and explain your situation, you WILL get payments as you are a single parent, 4 children under 16 and one with problems. you will also fall into the working tax credit zone as you don't earn...
also, if you rent call the council and ask for a form to claim housing benefit.
if you have a mortgage call the lender and explain you need a payment break...most will allow this!
i agree with slithers in that getting into a to and fro match between you and the ex is bad! they will not thank you for it in their teenage years and no one will win! 
try to keep calm and take each day as it comes, and spend as much time as you can reseaching what you are intitled to.
also, keep a record of all these dodgly little offers hes making you...dates times etc as they may come in handy! 

good luck to you and your 4 children...you will be fine...chin up!


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

Morgan Freeman said:


> This is probably why when custody arguments arise the man always wins. Oh...wait....


 
I understand every breakup is different, but I don't understand where the hell men get the idea they can walk away from their children. Some women stay in shit relationships because they can't walk away from their kids, they're their responsibility, and yet some men can just walk away and start anew. Must be nice! Especially when they're teenagers.


----------



## Morgan Freeman (Jan 14, 2009)

KathyM said:


> I understand every breakup is different, but I don't understand where the hell men get the idea they can walk away from their children. Some women stay in shit relationships because they can't walk away from their kids, they're their responsibility, and yet some men can just walk away and start anew. Must be nice!


That's not what I was saying. You claimed the law was one sided, I gave an example where it wasn't, kids usually go to the mother when there's fighting over custody.


----------



## Tibicar (Mar 2, 2011)

KathyM said:


> Isn't it amazing how lenient the law is to deadbeat fathers who abandon their children, and yet they'll do this to single mothers who already have hell on to put food on the tables for their kids who the dads left without even having to think of finding a home for their kids, food for their kids, clothes for their kids (and yet whine they've got it tough). They say they have the power to remove driving licences and even passports from deadbeat dads and yet fail to do any of it because they use a system that encourages fathers to run away and neglect their children further. "You have 3 months to respond to this letter or we will send another letter giving you another 3 months warning so you can find a cash in hand job and avoid the money coming out of your wage"!
> 
> Do you believe when my ex husband beat me to within an inch of my life then left his kids without even a backwards glance, the CSA sent ME a threatening letter telling me I had to inform them of his new car numberplate (he didn't even have a licence here!) and his new girlfriend's DOB and address!! Can't believe how one sided the law is - made by idiot men for idiot men.


To be fair not all divorced men are deadbeat wife beaters, I'm sorry about your situation but my mums friend is a great father who always pays his dues plus extra, like sir slithers. When the courts asked him did he want her to be given community service he said no as he didn't want his kids seeing their mother like that.


----------



## mick1 (Feb 24, 2007)

lots of advice being given on here how father should not be allowed to see the kids if he doesn't pay the maintenance well what about the children's rights to see there father is it right that a mother should stop the kids from seeing there father just because he has not paid his way. no it is wrong and no parent has the right to stop the kids from seeing the other parent regardless whether they have paid maintenance or not and what about all the single dads out there that have the children living with them and don't get any maintenance from the mother no mention of them on here the only time kids should be prevented from seeing the other parents is if the none resident parents is off a violent or abusive nature towards the children and on a final note how the hell did this thread get away from the Main subject which was the snakes . tabby tell ya ex to get fxxked and keep the snakes they will be better of with you by the sounds of it and good luck for the future will all work its self out


----------



## McKella (Jun 8, 2009)

not read all tread but gotta say being a dad myself that he is being a lil pathetic, spiting his kids is all he'll be doing but on the same note would you be able to take care of all the reps if its going to be hard for you being on your own with kids? you could keep the reps and sell them on n tell him to stuff it because if u go to the csa it may take a while to sort out but they'll make him back pay it all anyway


----------



## brokentechie (May 9, 2011)

KathyM said:


> I understand every breakup is different, but I don't understand where the hell men get the idea they can walk away from their children. Some women stay in shit relationships because they can't walk away from their kids, they're their responsibility, and yet some men can just walk away and start anew. Must be nice! Especially when they're teenagers.


Some men don't choose the option to "walk away" from their children, some are given no option by bitter, twisted women who decide to do the midnight flit, because *they* were too weak to stand by their husband due to his choice of _job_.

I've been crucified thru the CSA, the Military and also the family courts re visitation rights, and spent a shed load of money hiring private investigators to find her after she'd done a midnight flit again, after running up large rent arrears etc.

Not every Dad that's absent is a deadbeat, however when you suddenly go from "married" to "single" as an absent parent there's no Housing Benefit, Council Tax Benefit or income support, and in order to have any chance of overnight visits, said "deadbeat" Dad needs to find a property large enough (with I hasten to add, corresponding rent) AND also pay the mortgage on the marital home AND his own bills and living expenses AND then try to find maintenance, alongside pocket money etc.

It's not easy for either party tbh, but please don't apply your own experiences, or that of your militant friends in the broadest brushstrokes to all men.

IME there are just as many women out there that use the children as bargaining chips against the old man, as there are men who, as you so eloquently put it, are "deadbeat"

</rant>

BT

(Single dad, widowed, with no-one to claim maintenance from and 2 girls)


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

Tibicar said:


> To be fair not all divorced men are deadbeat wife beaters, I'm sorry about your situation but my mums friend is a great father who always pays his dues plus extra, like sir slithers. When the courts asked him did he want her to be given community service he said no as he didn't want his kids seeing their mother like that.


I fully agree, but then I never said they were? No need to be sorry for my situation, at the end of the day I got the kids and he'll never see them again as long as he's alive, which we can only pray will not be long so I, his biological offspring and their REAL dad can get on and dance on his pauper's grave! :lol2:


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

Morgan Freeman said:


> That's not what I was saying. You claimed the law was one sided, I gave an example where it wasn't, kids usually go to the mother when there's fighting over custody.


I agree, but only because the courts tend to favour the parent living with the children, and *some* men don't do good single fathers any good by walking out and leaving the kids with the mum. They could stay and ask her to leave, or they could stick around and both parents could be adult and make arrangements to raise THEIR children. All too often *some* men walk out on the wife thinking of freedom and new legovers before their kids then climb buildings in batman outfits claiming THEY'RE the ones badly done to when they abandoned their kids.


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

brokentechie said:


> It's not easy for either party tbh, but please don't apply your own experiences, or that of your militant friends )


 
LOL militant friends - you think single mums who get on with raising the kids unlike deadbeat dads are somehow creating some terrible feminist faction. I would've given your point more credence had you not stepped into hysterical hypocrisy. Not all absent fathers are deadbeats but all women with custody raising kids their dads can't even be arsed to even pay for are militants. :lol2:


----------



## brokentechie (May 9, 2011)

KathyM said:


> LOL militant friends - you think single mums who get on with raising the kids unlike deadbeat dads are somehow creating some terrible feminist faction. I would've given your point more credence had you not stepped into hysterical hypocrisy. Not all absent fathers are deadbeats but all women with custody raising kids their dads can't even be arsed to even pay for are militants. :lol2:


No you've missed the point entirely, see how quickly you jumped in to comment on my broad stereotyping... somehow claiming it affects my credence....

Who's the hypocrite?:whistling2:

BT


----------



## Bobina (Aug 16, 2010)

As Carla-Marie said you will be entitled to benefits (housing benefit, carers/disability allowance and council tax discounted/paid). Either the CAB or your local council website will give you an idea what you're entitled to.

As for the CSA this can be backdated and they do have a lot more powers nowadays but bear in mind it can be extremely hard to show someone has the financial capability to pay maintenance, particularly if they work cash in hand or set up a joint account with someone else.

Hope it works out ok for you & the kids.


----------



## bothrops (Jan 7, 2007)

Closed for cleaning.

This is not about you lot, it's about Tabbyshero and what she should do about her reps.

If you can offer sensible advice please do so, offer personal information/experience if you choose but PLEASE do not kick off if others comment on the information you share and try not to judge others so quickly without the full story.


EDIT - reopening for now. Please keep this on topic.

Thanks for your understanding of my actions.


----------



## KathyM (Jan 17, 2009)

I absolutely fully agree with your reasoning, that wasn't my point. You never asked if I witheld contact, you just assumed. I don't need to justify my parenting to a stranger but because it was said that I was bitter and denying them their real dad, maybe you would think differently now you know he has run away from contact (that was always open without judgement from me) for 11 years and has a new family. So who has the responsibility towards that relationship? Not me any more - the kids don't want him, if they did I would support it. I've done my bit, he failed to appear and ran away repeatedly to avoid them. So no, I can't tell them "Neil loves you very much and so do I" when they ask (they don't refer to him as dad for obvious reasons). I can only say I love them, Baz loves them and neither of us will or could ever leave them. That's not poisoning, it's honesty, lies are only good for a short time while you see if the absent parent (male or female) stands up to the plate. He didn't and to lie to them would be to continue the hurt. 

People always assume that when a dad doesn't have contact and never will, that it's down to the "bitter" mum. That's another thing I don't get. I'm not bitter about him and me (too long ago) but who is anyone to judge me or any of the other mothers in the same situation for being bitter for the kids' pain when they are the ones that had to stay behind and see their pain and heal it (and so was Baz). They simply don't have two dads, they have one that stood up to the plate. So you'll have to forgive me asking you to reword "real". Too right I'm bitter about anyone who could let their kids down like that. Yes kids get pain from breakups initially (and long term if it's dealt with badly - I'm lucky that all of mine feel very much they haven't missed out on anything). Too right it's important to minimise it. But don't assume that it's always some poor bloke being stopped from seeing his kids by some bitter woman, just because they're not sung as heroes to a stranger when the kids are not around and instead someone says it like it is. I know people in the same situation the other way round and I would back the person with the shitty partner every time regardless of my experience. When someone threatens not to pay for or see the kids because they think snakes are more important than their responsibility or even their kids' opinions of that (little pigs have big ears and could've heard these threats), I can pretty much put money on which scenario the OP's going to face though. 

I'm not going to come back to this thread, not in a flounce but because I don't think it's going to do any good - some people have to paint the absent man as the victim because they are or know someone being done over by a "bitter" woman, but to claim a stepdad as "not their real dad" was hurtful (perhaps understandable due to my inflammatory post after dealing with the CSA for 11 years) and while I accept your substitution and explanation, in my situation seeing as it was that which was commented on, the only argument for minimising stress and confusion to my kids now would be for people to acknowledge Baz as their "real dad", as he is to them and not to pass judgement about their "rights" to try and force 3 kids who don't want it access to a man who doesn't want them or love them. If it's about what the kids want, they call Baz dad, Connie was 18 months old when the ex left and Baz is all she's ever known or cared about - she doesn't want my ex husband in the slightest. My older two remember him beating me and them (which I only found out about after the split or he'd have been under the patio). Legally people in our situation should be able to remove parental rights from the absent parent without their permission, but that's another thread and not for me with the wedding coming up.

Edit: Sorry crossposted bothrops. I'm out of the thread, it's ok.


----------

